Second Guessing

I believe there comes a time during the withdrawal process that one begins to second guess if this was the correct decision.  Whether you made the decision on your own, or if it was made for you (ran out of meds, couldn't pay for them, etc.), the feelings of regret kick in. ...  Can I really make it without (insert drug name here)?
That's pretty much what I am experiencing now.  It's been a little over  a month Cymbalta free and I am feeling on the low end as far as my emotions are concerned - but after the terrible withdrawal that I have been through - do I really want to go back again?  I think not!  So the question I need to ask myself is, how do I support a healthy mindset so that I don't get sucked back into the black hole?  Well, I have a few ideas:

• writing;
• reading, but keep it light (think fashion/gossip mags or funny/romance books);
• exercise -which in various studies has been shown to work BETTER than antidepressants;
• playing with the kids (if you don't have any, play with your friends' or neighbors' children);
• more girls' night out (or, if you are a guy, make the appropriate adjective change);
• a new hobby, or even an old hobby that you may haven't nurtured in a long time and;
• video games - puzzle, shooter, action, RPG, racing, whatever suits you

This is a good starting point, I'm sure you can think of more.

Now, I'm off to read OK! Magazine.

Cymbalta come down part duex

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I'm into week 4 of my detox from Cymbalta and I must admit that I am finally beginning to feel more like myself.  Whoopeee!!! When I first ran out of my pills, I had no idea that the journey would be so hard.  Who knew that coming off of an antidepressant would cause one to feel like they had a major case of the flu? 

All I can say for those of you considering stopping this drug abruptly -don't, if you can help it. 
It is definitely NOT a walk in the park! 

While getting off this drug you will:

• Cry for no apparent reason at all
• Feel like you have a killer case of "morning sickness" that last all day
• Snap at your children, husband, wife, co-workers and other innocent bystanders
• Be completely exhausted
• Experience muscle aches
• Want to make hasty, rash and often ill-advised decisions that make absolutely no sense (i.e. quit your job that you love, run away from home, or shave your head bald ala Britney Spears)

This is just some of the unpleasantness that you can expect to encounter when you decide to discontinue the use of these meds.  Actually, let me rephrase that - this is just some of the unpleasantness that I encountered when I was thrust into this predicament! :)  Your individual experience may vary and I advise you to proceed with caution. 

There are many websites out there that can offer advice about the best way to get off of Cymbalta and other antidepressants.  You could use your favorite search engine to find them.  A couple of good ones that I like are cymbaltawithdrawal.com and theroadback.org.  Both offer forums where you can connect with others seeking to break free from antidepressants and get some pretty good suggestions on natural supplements you can try to ease symptoms.

The good news though is that there is a light at the end of the "withdrawal tunnel" and thank God that I have seen the light!  Now, I just need to focus on keeping myself from getting back on that horse again.

Cymbalta Come Down

About a month ago, I ran out of my beloved Cymbalta. The first week went okay, but by the second week I was miserable. It was about this time that I decided that I was through with taking this medication. Here's a little bit about how it's been going so far.

Oh, Cymbalta, Cymbalta...how I loved thee - but after this month of misery I will never pop another one of your beautiful, ocean-blue pills into my mouth again!

The nausea, nightsweats, shakes and anxiousness that kept me awake...
My mood swings and crying spells were just too much to take.
Joint pain and muscle weakness - could you give me a break?
All I want is to be free from your tight embrace!
Thoughts of suicide no longer swim in my head.
My life is amazing and I don't want to be dead.
In fact I'm moving forward -striving to new heights.
But now that I don't need you anymore, you still put up a fight.
Like an abusive lover who does not want me to leave.
Not having you has beat me down recently.
Let me go! Let me go!
Is all that I scream
For I am sooooo determined to break free.
Don't get me wrong, Cymbalta. I appreciate you.
For all the tough times, that you helped me get through.
The time is now, for me though, to move on.
I won't forget you or the road we tread on.

The Card

This past weekend, my mom gave me something that I have not been able to stop thinking about. It was a card. It read, "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over - it became a butterfly." It just got me to thinking. Imagine being a caterpillar. One day you are crawling around and suddenly you feel the urge to gorge yourself until all you can do it roll up into a ball and hide yourself in this "shell". Imagine how dark it must be inside. What is going on? Why am I in here? Will I ever see the light of day again? Weeks and weeks go by with no end in sight. It has become almost unbearable. But suddenly, something changes. The shell begins to weaken and there seems to be a crack in it's impenetrable armor. You squirm to get a glimpse of the light that is coming through the small opening. Could it be? Could it be that I will escape this dark cocoon that has had it grip on me for so long? Or is my mind playing tricks on me again? I will never get out of here! That hole is too small! I've been in here so long, why should things change? But it's too uncomfortable in here. Actually, it hurts. You have no choice. You have to move. So you wriggle and wriggle to get yourself free. You get tired. You stop. You wonder if you should give up. Maybe it's not worth it to get out of here. What's the point? Maybe this is a futile effort - despite your doubts, you keep going. Before you know it, you are outside of the cocoon. Exhausted, you sit there letting the light hit your body. You have been under great pressure, pushed beyond your limits but you have freed yourself. As you stretch out your aching body, you realize that you have these beautiful, glorious wings! Oh, my God where did these come from? You spread the wings to get a better look. They are strong and delicate; covered in a palette of colors that rivals the most extraordinary rainbow. With these you will no longer be relegated to crawling around on the ground with the fear of being stomped by trampling feet. You can now explore like never before; getting an ariel view of things; going from flower to flower and tasting the sweet nectar inside. This is what you were destined to do. You were meant to fly.

Okay, so I fell off the horse again!

Well, it's been awhile since I've written because I fell off the horse again. About 2 months ago I had another stay in the hospital (what fun). Anyway, I'm back but I have decided to stop taking my meds because they just don't seem to be working. Why keep popping pills when there is no change? I am through with it! I am just straight up sick and tired of going through this! I am sick and tired of the struggle to function everyday. I am sick of being tired. I am sick of not enjoying my life. I am sick of the pill popping. I guess you can tell from my tone that I haven't really gotten back up on the horse yet. Not sure when that is going to happen. We'll see how the next few days without Prozac feels and then I'll get back to you.

Getting back on the horse

Well, it has been quite a while since my last post. I guess you could say I had a little "set back". After another switch in meds; a major depressive episode and a two week hiatus from work, I am beginning to realize that at some point these medications just seem to stop working (at least for me, anyway). Based on this, I have come to the decision that I do not want to take these antidepressants anymore. I am going to have to rely on other, more natural methods. Besides, the withdrawals are horrendous - I am dealing with the lack of Cymbalta as I write this and hope to God that I am going to make it through the upcoming work week with some sense of sanity:)

So, it's back on the horse I go. Dealing with my life and it's responsibilities drug free; on my own. I can do this. Well, I guess I have to. I'm sure my psychiatrist will not be to excited for me - but I gotta try and tackle this thing once and for all. I spoke with a herbalist who suffers from bipolar disorder and she told me that she has not taken medication in 2 years. She recommended that I take a good multivitamin, vitamin D and DHA (in the form of fish oil). I have doing that for about 2 weeks and it does seem to make the withdrawals less unbearable. I plan on keeping it up and see how it goes.

In the meantime, I will be getting my speech ready for my psych as to why I am not going on another mind altering drug. I just don't want to be lifted up to this grandiose state of mind only to have it all come crashing down upon me like some horrible nightmare! When the medication wears off, I feel like Neo in the Matrix when he finds out that his whole life as he knew it was really an illusion - not a fun feeling at all.

The journey continues....

New birth

I called this post "new birth" because since I began writing this blog I feel like I have been reborn. The depressed, scared person that I was has retreated back into her shell. This is the eve of my birthday and I feel like a new person. I am the butterfly that has come out of the cocoon and spread its wings, ready to take off! I know. I know. That sounds sooo corny, but you know what? I don't care, it is the truth.

Now, of course this has not been an easy process. The past 2 years were filled with difficulties; therapists, doctors, Paxil withdrawl,weight gain, psychiatrist, sleeplessness and a hospital stay to name a few- but going through the struggle has made me stronger.

I feel like I am beginning to understand this depression thing more - instead of just trying to deny and bury why I feel the way I do. Maybe that is the key to overcoming this thing. Instead of reisiting and being in denial (like I did for so long), just raise your hands to the sky and ask for help. When you feel like life cannot get any lower and you are just too tired to go on, remember that there is always an opening at the end of that long, black tunnel. Just as you emereged from your mother's womb into this world, breathing for the first time, living life and seeing the light - you will emerege from this struggle, breathing again, living life and seeing the light. It will be your rebirth.

Do unto others - the power of helping

Usually during this time of year, efforts to assist the less fortunate go into high gear. Normally, I have not participated in such efforts, but this year I had a couple of opportunities to do some volunteer work in my community. Last week, a local church hosted a feed the hungry day where they offered free meals to homeless and needy individuals all day. I helped to serve the meals. Also, I helped an older lady pack up and give out Thanksgiving food baskets for elderly residents. In both instances, I could feel the appreciation from the people that we were helping. The smile that came onto their faces really made me feel good. I loved feeling like I was making a difference in someone else's life.

What does all this have to do with depression, you ask? Well over the years I've found that the more I focus on other people, the harder it is for me to fall deeper into my own hole. The more I help someone else, the more I help myself. Giving is sometimes the best gift that I can receive. It truly does something positive to the psyche. When you get that appreciative thank you or smile or hug from someone because you made their day - it's indescribable how good that feels. You don't have to have a lot to give. Maybe you can read a story to a group of elementary school kids, or mentor a kid who doesn't have a support system, or spend time with an elderly neighbor who is alone or volunteer at a local soup kitchen. I don't know - whatever you feel passionate about. But realize that you CAN and DO make a difference in the lives of others.

Helping others is good medicine for what ails you. I can testify to that!

Progress is great!

The past few weeks have been great. I've been walking everyday. Taking my meds. Playing with the kids (and the hubby). Just enjoying life again! I went to the doc last week and found out that I lost 7 pounds. Hurray!! I have had this overwhelming sense of peace and calm. I think the walking has helped sooooo much. Ever since I started, I have not needed the Ambien or the herbal sleep "potion" that I had been using. Plus, the Cymbalta has really kicked in. Life is good. For anyone reading this, there is hope. No matter how down and depressed you feel, there is HOPE! I mean a couple of months ago, I was in the hospital wanting to kill myself. Now look at me. God can do anything and turn any situation around - have faith. I am not trying to preach because I don't know what your beliefs may be but I just wanted to put that thought in your ear. Take care, everyone!

My new pastime

Haven't we all heard the stories about studies on depression and exercise? You know, that it works better at treating this malady than some common antidepressants. Well,with the way that I had been feeling lately, I wasn't buying it. First of all how did they find this out? Getting a depressed person to exercise is like trying to give a cat a bath - and if any of you have ever tried that then you KNOW what I am talking about... It is truly a hard thing to do. Now for months and months my psych has been trying to encourage me to be more active, but no matter how fat I got I was not motivated. I read articles on how depression was helped by exercise, but again - a no go. I didn't care. I didn't "feel like" going outside, in the sunshine for a walk. I didn't want to get my heart pumping. Hell, that just reminded me of the panic attacks! I didn't want to breathe in the fresh air. Who gives a crap! You know? That's what I thought until now.

Two days ago, a coworker of mine sent out an email asking for people to join her "walking club". Members would meet up in the lobby and then walk around the neighborhood for 30 minutes. I cringed when I first read the email. "Oh, gosh! I need to do this to lose some weight, but(insert excuses here)... So anyway, after vacillating for awhile on the matter, I decided to give it a shot. I mean what's the worse that could happen? Well, the WORSE that could happen would be that as we were walking a wayward car runs up onto our path killing us all. Sorry, there goes my imagination again ... back to the walking. I decided to give it a shot and boy, am I glad that I did! The past two days have been looking up. There is definitely something to this whole exercise as a treatment deal. Now don't get me wrong, I do believe that I need the medication. I would not have had the nerve to leave the house, work, mother my children (insert other task) without it. But, I must say that my mood has slowly lifted since I began the walks. I laughed out loud yesterday for the first time in weeks. Really! I was like, "Thank God! I feel like a person again."

I am announcing on this blog, for anyone who happens to read this that I, QtKira, am going to stick to this walking thing. No matter that the colder days are upon us - I will stick to it! I will layer my clothes. I will bring my tennis shoes to work. I will do this. If anyone else wants to try, please do. I know it's hard to start and I am NOT promising a miracle, but you will feel a bit better. Even a bit is better than nothing. So hang in there with me.