The Card

This past weekend, my mom gave me something that I have not been able to stop thinking about. It was a card. It read, "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over - it became a butterfly." It just got me to thinking. Imagine being a caterpillar. One day you are crawling around and suddenly you feel the urge to gorge yourself until all you can do it roll up into a ball and hide yourself in this "shell". Imagine how dark it must be inside. What is going on? Why am I in here? Will I ever see the light of day again? Weeks and weeks go by with no end in sight. It has become almost unbearable. But suddenly, something changes. The shell begins to weaken and there seems to be a crack in it's impenetrable armor. You squirm to get a glimpse of the light that is coming through the small opening. Could it be? Could it be that I will escape this dark cocoon that has had it grip on me for so long? Or is my mind playing tricks on me again? I will never get out of here! That hole is too small! I've been in here so long, why should things change? But it's too uncomfortable in here. Actually, it hurts. You have no choice. You have to move. So you wriggle and wriggle to get yourself free. You get tired. You stop. You wonder if you should give up. Maybe it's not worth it to get out of here. What's the point? Maybe this is a futile effort - despite your doubts, you keep going. Before you know it, you are outside of the cocoon. Exhausted, you sit there letting the light hit your body. You have been under great pressure, pushed beyond your limits but you have freed yourself. As you stretch out your aching body, you realize that you have these beautiful, glorious wings! Oh, my God where did these come from? You spread the wings to get a better look. They are strong and delicate; covered in a palette of colors that rivals the most extraordinary rainbow. With these you will no longer be relegated to crawling around on the ground with the fear of being stomped by trampling feet. You can now explore like never before; getting an ariel view of things; going from flower to flower and tasting the sweet nectar inside. This is what you were destined to do. You were meant to fly.

Okay, so I fell off the horse again!

Well, it's been awhile since I've written because I fell off the horse again. About 2 months ago I had another stay in the hospital (what fun). Anyway, I'm back but I have decided to stop taking my meds because they just don't seem to be working. Why keep popping pills when there is no change? I am through with it! I am just straight up sick and tired of going through this! I am sick and tired of the struggle to function everyday. I am sick of being tired. I am sick of not enjoying my life. I am sick of the pill popping. I guess you can tell from my tone that I haven't really gotten back up on the horse yet. Not sure when that is going to happen. We'll see how the next few days without Prozac feels and then I'll get back to you.

Getting back on the horse

Well, it has been quite a while since my last post. I guess you could say I had a little "set back". After another switch in meds; a major depressive episode and a two week hiatus from work, I am beginning to realize that at some point these medications just seem to stop working (at least for me, anyway). Based on this, I have come to the decision that I do not want to take these antidepressants anymore. I am going to have to rely on other, more natural methods. Besides, the withdrawals are horrendous - I am dealing with the lack of Cymbalta as I write this and hope to God that I am going to make it through the upcoming work week with some sense of sanity:)

So, it's back on the horse I go. Dealing with my life and it's responsibilities drug free; on my own. I can do this. Well, I guess I have to. I'm sure my psychiatrist will not be to excited for me - but I gotta try and tackle this thing once and for all. I spoke with a herbalist who suffers from bipolar disorder and she told me that she has not taken medication in 2 years. She recommended that I take a good multivitamin, vitamin D and DHA (in the form of fish oil). I have doing that for about 2 weeks and it does seem to make the withdrawals less unbearable. I plan on keeping it up and see how it goes.

In the meantime, I will be getting my speech ready for my psych as to why I am not going on another mind altering drug. I just don't want to be lifted up to this grandiose state of mind only to have it all come crashing down upon me like some horrible nightmare! When the medication wears off, I feel like Neo in the Matrix when he finds out that his whole life as he knew it was really an illusion - not a fun feeling at all.

The journey continues....