In the "nut house" - day 2

I have been tossing and turning all night. Waking up seemingly every 5 minutes - so needless to say I did not get that rest that my doc was talking about. Besides, it's hard to sleep when you hear some parnoid patient yelling about how he is being robbed and otherwise mistreated by the hospital staff (which, by the way, was not true) through the paper thin walls. After breakfast and my morning dose of meds, I was able to call my boss and let her know where I was. Boy, was that an embarrassement. Yeah, hello I can't come to work today because of my debilitating depression that has put me in the hospital. Please don't think I am a crazy who can't do her job. I should be out in a few days.

Okay, so I exaggerate. For the record my boss is very understanding. I'm just hard on myself - like most of us head-cases are. So anyway, back to my day.

I attended what they call a community meeting this morning where the nurse gets us all together in the tv room to talk about any issues we may have that affect the whole floor and how we are feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. Well, today I feel like a 1. Believe it or not, some people are feeling like a 7 or 8!? Really? Hopefully I'll get there soon, but not today. It sucks being in here. People keep knocking on my door to get me to go to these groups when my doc said I needed to sleep. Will you people just leave me alone? The nurse explains to me that the groups are here to help us so that we can get on the road to going home. Okay, I can live with that. I'll try to go to more groups then.

After morning meeting, I go to my room and do some crossword puzzles. Might as well keep my mind busy so it doesn't turn into complete mush. About 30 minutes into the puzzles, I drift off again.

Upon waking up, I go out in the hallway to see if the phone is available. It is. I give my mom a call. She is so worried about me. Poor thing. I don't want her to feel like that. I convinced her that I am doing better - though in the back of my mind I still feel like going into a permanent slumber. Oh, it's lunchtime. I gotta get off the phone. Here we go with the gourmet hospital fare again. What is it today? Some green beans, rice pilaf and a dry, chicken breast with a slice of ham on top and gravy. Pretty bland. The best thing on the tray was a piece of angel food cake with raspberry sauce and whipped cream. Yummy!

One of the social workers comes into the dining area and informs us that it is time for group. Might as well do like I said and give this group thing a try. The topic for today: setting boundaries. At first, I was like what does this have to to with what I am going through? But as I listened I realized that it does. One of my issues is always trying to please everyone else and not knowing how to say no. I begin to realize this may be a big reason why I am here. I talk about this to the group (well those that were listening). I make a resolution that when I get home I am going to begin setting some boundaries (still working on that).

The rest of the day was pretty dull. After group came "siesta time" as the staff like to call it. That's when all patients are required to go into thier rooms for an hour. I couldn't sleep so I stared out the window looking at the blue sky, the clouds, the staff parking lot and the Metrobuses (wishing I could be on one to go home). I feel so down right now. I am having second thoughts as to if this is really helping. I feel guilty because while I am in here, my husband will have to deal with the kids by himself; I am missing meetings at work and; I don't have any more leave to cover me while I am out. I can't afford to be here. I am a mess. I roll up into a ball on my bed...

Later, that evening (after 6pm) my mom, aunt and daughter came to see me. I still could not see my son because he is to young to come up. They brought me a terry cloth robe and some cookies. Nice. I really wish my daughter did not have to see me in here. I kept up a good front for her. She is so sensitive right now. Anyway, after they left I spent the rest of the evening in my room. At 8:30pm I was given my meds and I went to sleep.