In the "nut house" - day 1

A psych ward is an interesting place. People on all spectrums of the mental illness scale, crammed together to "recover" in harmony. You got your manic-depressives in a depressed state; your schizophrenics; your alcoholics in a depression; your manic-depressives in a manic state; your obsessive-compulsives; your confused or otherwise misdirected and then you have me - a 30 something mother of two who mentioned to her psych that "Oh by the way, I been wanting to die lately".

Well, look at where that got me; sitting in a hospital room with no tv, no phone, a crappy view of the staff parking lot and nothing to be with expect my thoughts about how I got myself in here and whether this was a good idea or not. Secuity took all of my things, my checkbook, my bank card, my earrings, my necklace (Was I gonna hang myself with that?), my mp3 player, everything and locked it up in a safe. Is this a hospital or a jail? No matter, the nurse was very prompt in delivering my first dose of Seroquel 200mg and boy was it kicking in fast. I passed out... I think my doc stopped by to see me on that first night. I'm not sure. Lights out.

The next morning, my first full day as an in-patient in the mental health unit. At 6:30am a nurse knocks on my door "vitals" he calls and cuts on the bright florescent lights as he walks in. I am so out of it, just roll over and let him take my blood pressure and temp. He leaves and cuts the lights out behind him - thank God. I am still exhausted. I drift off again. About an hour later I hear the staff knocking on patients doors and yelling "breakfast time!". Apparently, you have to get up and get your own tray. So I drag myself out of bed and mindlessly leave my room, wander down the hall to the eating area and get a tray full of yummy hospital goodness: powdered eggs, a sausage pattie and a biscuit. Tasted better than a McDonalds breakfast biscuit! I hope you get it that I am being totally sarcastic about the food - it sucked! But I still ate it anyway. During this time, I noticed the other patients that also looked like they dragged themselves out of bed to partake of this delicious meal. Everyone was dressed in the standard blue hospital gown and brown slipper socks with the treads on the bottom to keep you from falling. Nice ensemble! Some guy was talking to himself about hurting someone and another was walking around introducing himself to everyone. Like, this is some kind of social hour! Sorry,but I was not in the mood. Most were like me, quietly eating and probably wondering what turn of events got them here.

Okay, so breakfast is over and it's medication time (yay!). I get 20mg of Lexapro along with another dose of Seroquel 100mg. So this place has a schedule of meetings, groups and recreation therapy during the day - so no visitors until 6pm. What a bummer for me. I really missed my family. I was so tired the first day that I did not go to the groups at all. Just got up to eat the mediocore meals (more on that later).

I spend my waking moments anxiously awaiting visitation time so that I can see my husband. He is going to bring me some books and a pen and notepad to write with. I couldn't wait. I was able to call him once I got to the shared phone that the whole floor has to use. Once you get it, you only have 10 minutes to make your calls. This is really feeling like jail to me - not that I have ever experienced jail - but they tell you when to eat, sleep, take medication, go to group. They limit your phone time, take away the tv and your shoelaces. What's up with that? But my doc said this was the best thing for me. At least I am getting some sleep...