The Card

This past weekend, my mom gave me something that I have not been able to stop thinking about. It was a card. It read, "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over - it became a butterfly." It just got me to thinking. Imagine being a caterpillar. One day you are crawling around and suddenly you feel the urge to gorge yourself until all you can do it roll up into a ball and hide yourself in this "shell". Imagine how dark it must be inside. What is going on? Why am I in here? Will I ever see the light of day again? Weeks and weeks go by with no end in sight. It has become almost unbearable. But suddenly, something changes. The shell begins to weaken and there seems to be a crack in it's impenetrable armor. You squirm to get a glimpse of the light that is coming through the small opening. Could it be? Could it be that I will escape this dark cocoon that has had it grip on me for so long? Or is my mind playing tricks on me again? I will never get out of here! That hole is too small! I've been in here so long, why should things change? But it's too uncomfortable in here. Actually, it hurts. You have no choice. You have to move. So you wriggle and wriggle to get yourself free. You get tired. You stop. You wonder if you should give up. Maybe it's not worth it to get out of here. What's the point? Maybe this is a futile effort - despite your doubts, you keep going. Before you know it, you are outside of the cocoon. Exhausted, you sit there letting the light hit your body. You have been under great pressure, pushed beyond your limits but you have freed yourself. As you stretch out your aching body, you realize that you have these beautiful, glorious wings! Oh, my God where did these come from? You spread the wings to get a better look. They are strong and delicate; covered in a palette of colors that rivals the most extraordinary rainbow. With these you will no longer be relegated to crawling around on the ground with the fear of being stomped by trampling feet. You can now explore like never before; getting an ariel view of things; going from flower to flower and tasting the sweet nectar inside. This is what you were destined to do. You were meant to fly.

Okay, so I fell off the horse again!

Well, it's been awhile since I've written because I fell off the horse again. About 2 months ago I had another stay in the hospital (what fun). Anyway, I'm back but I have decided to stop taking my meds because they just don't seem to be working. Why keep popping pills when there is no change? I am through with it! I am just straight up sick and tired of going through this! I am sick and tired of the struggle to function everyday. I am sick of being tired. I am sick of not enjoying my life. I am sick of the pill popping. I guess you can tell from my tone that I haven't really gotten back up on the horse yet. Not sure when that is going to happen. We'll see how the next few days without Prozac feels and then I'll get back to you.

Getting back on the horse

Well, it has been quite a while since my last post. I guess you could say I had a little "set back". After another switch in meds; a major depressive episode and a two week hiatus from work, I am beginning to realize that at some point these medications just seem to stop working (at least for me, anyway). Based on this, I have come to the decision that I do not want to take these antidepressants anymore. I am going to have to rely on other, more natural methods. Besides, the withdrawals are horrendous - I am dealing with the lack of Cymbalta as I write this and hope to God that I am going to make it through the upcoming work week with some sense of sanity:)

So, it's back on the horse I go. Dealing with my life and it's responsibilities drug free; on my own. I can do this. Well, I guess I have to. I'm sure my psychiatrist will not be to excited for me - but I gotta try and tackle this thing once and for all. I spoke with a herbalist who suffers from bipolar disorder and she told me that she has not taken medication in 2 years. She recommended that I take a good multivitamin, vitamin D and DHA (in the form of fish oil). I have doing that for about 2 weeks and it does seem to make the withdrawals less unbearable. I plan on keeping it up and see how it goes.

In the meantime, I will be getting my speech ready for my psych as to why I am not going on another mind altering drug. I just don't want to be lifted up to this grandiose state of mind only to have it all come crashing down upon me like some horrible nightmare! When the medication wears off, I feel like Neo in the Matrix when he finds out that his whole life as he knew it was really an illusion - not a fun feeling at all.

The journey continues....

New birth

I called this post "new birth" because since I began writing this blog I feel like I have been reborn. The depressed, scared person that I was has retreated back into her shell. This is the eve of my birthday and I feel like a new person. I am the butterfly that has come out of the cocoon and spread its wings, ready to take off! I know. I know. That sounds sooo corny, but you know what? I don't care, it is the truth.

Now, of course this has not been an easy process. The past 2 years were filled with difficulties; therapists, doctors, Paxil withdrawl,weight gain, psychiatrist, sleeplessness and a hospital stay to name a few- but going through the struggle has made me stronger.

I feel like I am beginning to understand this depression thing more - instead of just trying to deny and bury why I feel the way I do. Maybe that is the key to overcoming this thing. Instead of reisiting and being in denial (like I did for so long), just raise your hands to the sky and ask for help. When you feel like life cannot get any lower and you are just too tired to go on, remember that there is always an opening at the end of that long, black tunnel. Just as you emereged from your mother's womb into this world, breathing for the first time, living life and seeing the light - you will emerege from this struggle, breathing again, living life and seeing the light. It will be your rebirth.

Do unto others - the power of helping

Usually during this time of year, efforts to assist the less fortunate go into high gear. Normally, I have not participated in such efforts, but this year I had a couple of opportunities to do some volunteer work in my community. Last week, a local church hosted a feed the hungry day where they offered free meals to homeless and needy individuals all day. I helped to serve the meals. Also, I helped an older lady pack up and give out Thanksgiving food baskets for elderly residents. In both instances, I could feel the appreciation from the people that we were helping. The smile that came onto their faces really made me feel good. I loved feeling like I was making a difference in someone else's life.

What does all this have to do with depression, you ask? Well over the years I've found that the more I focus on other people, the harder it is for me to fall deeper into my own hole. The more I help someone else, the more I help myself. Giving is sometimes the best gift that I can receive. It truly does something positive to the psyche. When you get that appreciative thank you or smile or hug from someone because you made their day - it's indescribable how good that feels. You don't have to have a lot to give. Maybe you can read a story to a group of elementary school kids, or mentor a kid who doesn't have a support system, or spend time with an elderly neighbor who is alone or volunteer at a local soup kitchen. I don't know - whatever you feel passionate about. But realize that you CAN and DO make a difference in the lives of others.

Helping others is good medicine for what ails you. I can testify to that!

Progress is great!

The past few weeks have been great. I've been walking everyday. Taking my meds. Playing with the kids (and the hubby). Just enjoying life again! I went to the doc last week and found out that I lost 7 pounds. Hurray!! I have had this overwhelming sense of peace and calm. I think the walking has helped sooooo much. Ever since I started, I have not needed the Ambien or the herbal sleep "potion" that I had been using. Plus, the Cymbalta has really kicked in. Life is good. For anyone reading this, there is hope. No matter how down and depressed you feel, there is HOPE! I mean a couple of months ago, I was in the hospital wanting to kill myself. Now look at me. God can do anything and turn any situation around - have faith. I am not trying to preach because I don't know what your beliefs may be but I just wanted to put that thought in your ear. Take care, everyone!

My new pastime

Haven't we all heard the stories about studies on depression and exercise? You know, that it works better at treating this malady than some common antidepressants. Well,with the way that I had been feeling lately, I wasn't buying it. First of all how did they find this out? Getting a depressed person to exercise is like trying to give a cat a bath - and if any of you have ever tried that then you KNOW what I am talking about... It is truly a hard thing to do. Now for months and months my psych has been trying to encourage me to be more active, but no matter how fat I got I was not motivated. I read articles on how depression was helped by exercise, but again - a no go. I didn't care. I didn't "feel like" going outside, in the sunshine for a walk. I didn't want to get my heart pumping. Hell, that just reminded me of the panic attacks! I didn't want to breathe in the fresh air. Who gives a crap! You know? That's what I thought until now.

Two days ago, a coworker of mine sent out an email asking for people to join her "walking club". Members would meet up in the lobby and then walk around the neighborhood for 30 minutes. I cringed when I first read the email. "Oh, gosh! I need to do this to lose some weight, but(insert excuses here)... So anyway, after vacillating for awhile on the matter, I decided to give it a shot. I mean what's the worse that could happen? Well, the WORSE that could happen would be that as we were walking a wayward car runs up onto our path killing us all. Sorry, there goes my imagination again ... back to the walking. I decided to give it a shot and boy, am I glad that I did! The past two days have been looking up. There is definitely something to this whole exercise as a treatment deal. Now don't get me wrong, I do believe that I need the medication. I would not have had the nerve to leave the house, work, mother my children (insert other task) without it. But, I must say that my mood has slowly lifted since I began the walks. I laughed out loud yesterday for the first time in weeks. Really! I was like, "Thank God! I feel like a person again."

I am announcing on this blog, for anyone who happens to read this that I, QtKira, am going to stick to this walking thing. No matter that the colder days are upon us - I will stick to it! I will layer my clothes. I will bring my tennis shoes to work. I will do this. If anyone else wants to try, please do. I know it's hard to start and I am NOT promising a miracle, but you will feel a bit better. Even a bit is better than nothing. So hang in there with me.

My Happy List

Okay, my therapist called me today and suggested that I make a "happy" list - a list of things that make me feel happy. When he asked me to do this last week. I was not feeling it and really couldn't think of anything that made me happy. Happy? I haven't felt happy in weeks! Well, when he brought it up today, I thought I would give it a try. I would like to share that list with you. Try thinking up your own list of "happy" things. You'll be surprised at all the little things that really do brighten our lives.

My Happy List:

Seeing my son and daughter play together

Hearing my children laugh out loud

Hearing anybody’s children laugh out loud

Playing solitaire on the computer

Watching Stargate SG-1 (NOT Atlantis)

A bottle of raspberry Kombucha (fermented Chinese tea)

Hanging out over my mom’s house

Grand Theft Auto IV (a guilty pleasure)

Playing Sodoku

Dancing

Watching my husband dance

House Hunters

When one of my kids comes and gives me a big hug for no apparent reason

Futurama

The Soup (A talk show on E!)

Staying in bed until 10am

Anything from Korn (my fave rock band)

Seeing my girlfriends from high school

Fresh, hot buttery cornbread

Listening to my mp3 player while washing dishes

Helping someone

Sunny days

A beautiful sunset

Cats

Watching squirrels play and wondering what they must be thinking

Daydreaming

Writing

Spongebob Squarepants

Puppies

Walking along in the city and spotting a deer (yes, they do live in DC)

My husband’s silly jokes

Finding the shoe I want in my size

The perfect jeans

Roasted marshmallows

Chocolate

Good sex (Okay, GREAT sex!)

A clean kitchen (especially if I was not the one who cleaned it)

Peeking in on my children while they are asleep

A Joel Olsteen sermon

A Joyce Myer sermon

Eckhart Toll – Stillness Speaks

Stargazing

Learning something new

Getting my hair done

Ice-cream

A “family hug”

The full moon

In the "Nut House" - day 4

About this time, I am officially ready to get out of this place!!! Two patients got into a bit of a "fight" and another guy was yelling at the nurse - calling her the "B" word because he could not go out for a cigarette break. Whatever! How am I supposed to rest in this place. Plus, the food here is awful. You will not believe what they served us for lunch today. It was fried fish only the fish was absolutely raw on the inside. Yes. I said it. RAW!!! Are they trying to kill us? And I thought the whole purpose of coming in here was to recover. I was relegated to eating the dinner roll, mixed veggies and angel food cake. After that horrific lunch, I decided retreat to my room for most of the afternoon (I was still soooo hungry) and do some crossword puzzles (which has become my favorite pastime since I've been in here). After about an hour of that, I passed out again. Thank you, Seroquel!

Around 5pm, I heard the familiar "dinner time" call from the nursing staff. It was my hope that dinner would be better than lunch. It wasn't. Actually, it was worse. I opened my meal tray and was greeted with the sight of nice broccoli florets and ziti with tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese. This would have been great but - the only problem, every thing was ice cold - as in, just taken out of the freezer ice cold! I almost cried. I picked up my tray and asked one of the nurses to heat it up for me in the staff microwave. Lucky for me, he said yes. As I waited for my food to heat up, I noticed that other patients were either eating the food or complaining about it. I decided that someone has to say something about this. I mean, just because we're "head cases" doesn't mean we should eat crap. In fact, I think we should be getting the best food in the damn hospital!

Well, later that day my doctor came to see me and I told him about the whole food situation. According to him the food has been getting worse over the years and other patients have complained to him about it. He suggested that I write a letter to the president of the hospital and that he would deliver it to him. Of course I agreed. Give me something constructive to do in this place!

Back in my room after evening "medication time" I took pen to paper and began to write. First I complemented the nursing staff -who have been wonderful. Then I got into the issues about the food and how such service communicates to the patients that we don't matter, etc. etc. I then closed it out with a request that the service be improved (I put my name and phone number on the letter too). I go back a read the whole thing just to make sure that it sounds good. "Wow, for a person under heavy psyhcotropic medication, I came up with some pretty good stuff ." I think to myself. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.:) Okay, it must be late because a nurse just stuck his head in and told me to cut out the lights and get some rest. Can you believe he is telling me, a mother of two, when to go to sleep? He just doesn't know how hard that is to do, but I'll try.

In the "dumps"

Well that last few days have been pretty down for me, which would explain my hiatus of the "nut house" stories. I am adjusting to an increased dose of Cymbalta and the weening off of Lexapro and Seroquel. I guess it is sort of normal to feel in the "dumps" right now. Actually, I feel "zombie-like". I am just going through my life's routines waiting for it to pass. Hopefully it is sooner than later. I mean where is the energy, pep and excitement that I used to have? What happened to my motivation? My smile? My flat stomach? There all in the dump right now, that's where. I just want it all back again. Help!!!!